New rules for Turner Network


Stevie Ray Vaughn’s Caught in the Crossfire cannot be used as bumper music for NBA games.

Commentators covering political debates or campaigns, should refrain from saying one side has “provided ammunition” for its critics.
For that matter, the word campaign is also far too warlike. (War is a primary definition of campaign in the dictionary.) We will henceforth refer to “election contests” or “political contests.”

A candidate’s own effort should be called a “Primary Contest,” or a “General Election Contest.”

Similarly, we will no longer be using the term “battleground states.”

On air personnel should instead opt for “closely contested” or “states in danger of going Republican.”

Under no circumstances should someone who stubbornly holds to a position be said to be “sticking to his guns.” Republicans will be termed as “uncompromising partisanship” while Democrats will be “holding to principle.”

And please please please, never refer to an elected official as “shooting his/her mouth off” in light of recent events.

We apologize for saying that Sarah Palin was “under fire” for her crosshairs target map—but she deserved it.

“Point and shoot” cameras will not be advertised on our network, we are reviewing whether “point and click” is acceptable.

“Shoot” is not longer an acceptable exclamation in dramatic series television. We are cable, so we can just say “Shit!”

Track events at the next Goodwill Games will start with a checkered flag, not a gun.

Voiceovers on all ads for Target stores will be changed to pronounce the stores’ name, “Tar-zhay”

We are considering whether Scope must change its name to advertise with us, but ads which say the product “targets” the germs that cause bad breath will no longer be accepted.

The American Indian Movement will no longer be referred to as AIM.

Movies that fail spectacularly at the box office, will no longer be referred to as “bombs.”

Quibbling between groups or individuals will no longer be referred to as “sniping”

Anchorman Greg Hunter will be referred to on the air as “Greg H”, or “the G Man” while Wolf Blitzer will just be called “Wolfie.”

No employee of Turner networks will say that Paul Krugman and Jonathan Alter’s columns after Tuscon were examples of “shoot first and ask questions later.”

Please stay tuned for updates on this list. Thank you for your disarming professionalism during these times.
Do the right thing!